Dear God.

At any given moment in time, my brain is thinking at least 5 different thoughts. The best way to describe it is being in an electronic store with hundreds of t.v.'s stacked on top each other, each playing a different show. I wish I was kidding, but that's what it's like being in my head. I think most would call it anxiety, and they may or may not be wrong. I'm still unsure. All I know is I can never get my brain to stop.

I like to view it as a double-edged sword, really. It intrigues me to always have questions--I love learning, and I'm genuinely a curious person. But, it's equally exhausting. I often feel like my brain never has a moment to just slow down & breathe. What gets even trickier is deciding what thoughts to give life & attention and which I can minimize & even disregard. The worst is knowing that I shouldn't give attention to a thought, but my brain disregards my wants & does it anyway.

Am I Living?

It's a simple question, right? It should have a simple answer. The answer should be 'yes.' But, if you dig to the nitty-gritty of your existence, are you truly living?

What's the point?

It should be another simple answer, right? You shouldn't skip a beat in responding with something like, "the point is to embrace life & whatever comes my way!" But, how do you do this when you feel like your life has no purpose?

These questions, my friends, are questions that circulate & run laps in my brain when I am at my lowest...when I am depressed & anxious & feel that there is no way out. I sorta laugh when people don't believe that I struggle with mental illnesses. I think it's mostly because I know that they see a very cheerful & upbeat woman & think "how could she ever understand being in a dark place when she's so optimistic?"

But, truthfully, that's why I am optimistic & see my glass half full.

It's because I know what it's like in that dark place.

My life was spared three times. Once as a toddler. Once as an adolescent. Once as an adult.

I don't recall feeling any type of way as a toddler when my life was saved, but as an adolescent and adult, it changed my entire perspective of life.

I won't get into the details in this particular post (don't worry, I will write longer posts when my heart feels inclined) but I will say that it took me losing myself & losing my way in life & then very literally almost losing my life for me to realize that I have purpose in this world.

My life was spared because it's not over yet;

My journey is not over yet;

My story is not over yet;

I've said it once, & I'll say it again. God does not make mistakes. He already has your story written for you. He knows where you are going. He knows how it all goes together. So, when He pushes you just a little more than you believe you can go, fall & let Him continue to guide you. What is meant for you will never be taken from you. Your story & your journey is over when He believes you've fulfilled your destiny.

I am still alive today because my life has purpose & I'm not done sharing it with the world. Not because I said I'm not done, but because God said I'm not done. Because He decided that I get nine more years after trying to take my own life. Because He decided that I get to continue dancing my way through life after a car accident that should've left me paralyzed from the waist down.

Because He decided that

I. Have. Purpose.

& I promise that I will continue to walk in my light & in my truth even if it helps but one person.

I don't want you to experience the lowest lows if you don't have to. What I want is for you to understand that everything you have gone through, are going through, and will go through are supposed to be. I want you to understand & find comfort in knowing that you are worthy of living--not just being alive, but living! Living so that you can explore, experience new things, & find your purpose & calling in this world. You are given ONE, ONE life, & you have to make the most of it.

If you knew that tomorrow wasn't going to be around, would you wish you had lived a little more today? Would you curse yourself out knowing that you waited too long to do the thing you wanted to do? Would you look back & wish you had a do over?

I want you to be in the now. To plan for the future, yes, but understand that you are living your future now, too. So, I ask you once more this week.

Are You Living?

May your day be ever filled with love, light, and of course, an abundance of chicken tenders💜🌻✨

Cheyenne Pajardo