Chicken Tenders & Heartbreak
I'm sitting at Starbucks,
it's 9:45 AM, & I've chosen a Cobalt Green pen because
it reminds me of the straw in my caramel macchiato.
None of that really matters,
but I subconsciously think
that if I focus hard enough on something else, I won't
have to deal with the pain in the center of my chest.
How dramatic is that?
"The pain in the center of my chest?" I'm laughing
at myself out loud & the
people tables down stare in
confusion.
Maybe they're just not into talking to themselves.
I don't really care because
I think I'm hilarious. So,
I'll always laugh.
I keep writing sentences
that really don't matter
& it's 110% because I'm distracting myself from what's bothering me.
I'm human & I hate that I have feelings.
Because I swear I feel more than I'm supposed to at any given point
in time.
I don't really know
what I'm hoping to get out of this.
Maybe it's just that
I'm trying to lessen
the weight in my chest.
Maybe I think if I
get lost in my words. I'll forget I'm even sad. Maybe I think time will move faster, my heart will mend quicker, if I focus long enough on something other than the memories on loop about you.
See, what most people don't say
is that I'll lose a piece of me
whenever I'm not with just me.
They tell me about all the happy
things I'll experience & feel...
about the laughs that'll start
in my tummy & end in
wiping my eyes dry.
About the fingers interlocked with mine,
the teasing turned to kisses
the high of feeling supported & more importantly...
loved.
But they never tell me about
the after
if things don't continue as the before.
About the hollowness that takes the form
of consumption
the snatching of air from my lungs
about the losing of me.
So, I write because I pray that I'll find clarity
somewhere between the lines of an empty page.
Clarity that forces the confusion to evaporate
& my heart to believe again.
It's hard & unlike milk,
there's no expiration date on feelings.
How annoying.
Maybe it'll take another day or two.
or five to six months
or who knows how long
to feel all of the way better.
I'm not entirely sure.
But, it's 10:14 AM,
& I'm sitting at
Starbucks. laughing
at myself while people
stare.
May your day be ever filled with love, light, and of course, an abundance of chicken tenders💜🌻✨
Cheyenne Pajardo